While bullying was not an overwhelming issue for our sextuplets, there have definitely been a few distinct times we can recall when our children needed our help to deal with an unfriendly peer. There is a particular instance with Kelly that happened when she was a teenager where we needed to step in, but we'll get to that in a moment.
First, just to clarify, bullying is not just an issue that happens on the playground when children are very young, either; different types of bullying can occur for children throughout their childhood, adolescent and even post-adolescent years.
According to bullying.org, the five main types of bullying are: verbal, physical, social, extortion and cyber-bullying. It is also considered bullying when the treatment is repeated and intentional. It is all about power, gaining attention, and a misunderstanding of differences that leads to people getting hurt. It is noted in Brooks's book that victims of bullies are often quiet, inhibited children. About 10 to 15 percent of all children are victims of bullying.
The main lesson we instilled in the sextuplets when it came to bullying was to have confidence, be yourself, and stay calm. We also encouraged them to speak up and tell us or a teacher or co-worker about what is happening. Once our child showed bravery and made it apparent to their bully that they were not afraid to stand up for themselves, that is when the bullying stopped.
A unique version of bullying happened to Kelly when she was in middle school. She created a MySpace account, which we approved of so long as we monitored her behavior on the site now and then and made sure nothing shady was happening. Soon after creating the account, however, another girl from her middle school began messaging her, threatening to steal her boyfriend and turn her friends against her. Kelly was not even sure why this was happening, but it was clear that the messages were upsetting to her.
According to cyberbullying.org, being an online bully is a way of acting out in a way that may not be possible in real life. Perhaps the girl who was harassing Kelly felt a certain type of power by hiding behind a computer screen instead of confronting her face-to-face.
In school, there were no issues with the girl. What Kelly ended up doing was talking, calmly, to the girl face-to-face and letting her know that her parents had seen the messages and were not happy. She was quite embarrassed and the messages stopped after that.
We were glad that Kelly had the guts not only to tell us what was happening, but to call the girl out on her behavior. It was a very mature step.
♥J&K
Sextuplet Identities: Late Adolescence
Teenage years are tough enough, but not quite as challenging as having to deal with six all at once! Especially now that they are emerging into adulthood, we still try to treat our children as the unique individuals they are. The latest years have shown many differences between boys and girls and we've found plenty of research on how to handle this. There are a variety of new issues arising today on topics that help differentiate teens in areas such as dating, alcohol, sex, friends, and jobs. Brooks has done an exceptional job laying out the ideas and we've definitely used them to our advantage.
According to Brooks, girls rate their physical health less well than boys their age. One thing we noticed with our girls was they were in constant competition to be the prettiest or the slimmest. We had to sit them all down one day and explain that everybody and every body is different. Even though they come from a group of six, our children are all fraternal. So gentetically, some may physically look different in terms of size. Karmen always complained about being too small and Kelly always thought she was too big. And Kate had a different opinion every week it seemed! We told them all that it's ok to look different and that they are all beautiful in their own ways.
Brooks also noted that boys are more sexually active than girls. We had a few issues with Justin because he was so free-spirited and in his own world that girls didn't appeal to him as soon as they did for his brothers. They would tease him about it, but we reminded him that everyone is different and that he didn't have to be the "chick magnet" like they called Jacob. And he didn't even need to worry! He's been in a steady relationship with a wonderful girl for about a year now!
All parents face the dreaded sex and drug conversation. It's a little more of a tricky situation when you're trying to instill good values in six teens. In our research of Brooks, we found a lot of helpful information. We did have this talk with our boys first, because they were more interested in sex before the girls were. We can not stress how important it is to tell your kids your own personal views on sex. Whether it's don't have sex at all, use protection, or however you feel, just tell them! We found that one half of adolescents who do not have sex say the main reason is fear of parents finding out. So if you don't want your teenagers having sex, you can scare them away from the idea. It is a difficult topic to bring up, but it is worth it to save you the aggrevation of dealing with consequences when it's too late.
Peer pressure is a very important issue at this age. Brooks says young teens are vulnerable; they want to gain peer acceptance. Student achievement is also related to how they feel about themselves and their abilities. How teens feel about themselves is related to what others think of them. In these years, teens are spending two times the amount of time with peers than parents according to Brooks. Peer influence is a very real problem, especially when they are spending more time with them than you. Also tied in is alcohol...don't just discourage your kids from drinking, tell them the statistics and they just might listen!
We have seen our sextuplets' relationships between each other improve in these later years. They are each others' peers, and we see them providing support for one other. It is also very fulfilling to see their adult traits emerging!
According to Brooks, girls rate their physical health less well than boys their age. One thing we noticed with our girls was they were in constant competition to be the prettiest or the slimmest. We had to sit them all down one day and explain that everybody and every body is different. Even though they come from a group of six, our children are all fraternal. So gentetically, some may physically look different in terms of size. Karmen always complained about being too small and Kelly always thought she was too big. And Kate had a different opinion every week it seemed! We told them all that it's ok to look different and that they are all beautiful in their own ways.
Brooks also noted that boys are more sexually active than girls. We had a few issues with Justin because he was so free-spirited and in his own world that girls didn't appeal to him as soon as they did for his brothers. They would tease him about it, but we reminded him that everyone is different and that he didn't have to be the "chick magnet" like they called Jacob. And he didn't even need to worry! He's been in a steady relationship with a wonderful girl for about a year now!
All parents face the dreaded sex and drug conversation. It's a little more of a tricky situation when you're trying to instill good values in six teens. In our research of Brooks, we found a lot of helpful information. We did have this talk with our boys first, because they were more interested in sex before the girls were. We can not stress how important it is to tell your kids your own personal views on sex. Whether it's don't have sex at all, use protection, or however you feel, just tell them! We found that one half of adolescents who do not have sex say the main reason is fear of parents finding out. So if you don't want your teenagers having sex, you can scare them away from the idea. It is a difficult topic to bring up, but it is worth it to save you the aggrevation of dealing with consequences when it's too late.
Peer pressure is a very important issue at this age. Brooks says young teens are vulnerable; they want to gain peer acceptance. Student achievement is also related to how they feel about themselves and their abilities. How teens feel about themselves is related to what others think of them. In these years, teens are spending two times the amount of time with peers than parents according to Brooks. Peer influence is a very real problem, especially when they are spending more time with them than you. Also tied in is alcohol...don't just discourage your kids from drinking, tell them the statistics and they just might listen!
We have seen our sextuplets' relationships between each other improve in these later years. They are each others' peers, and we see them providing support for one other. It is also very fulfilling to see their adult traits emerging!
♥J&K
Sextuplet Identities: Early Adolescence
It's not always easy to deal with and some parents even dread the awkward "transition stage". For us, this was more than true. Ages 10-14 were definitely the most difficult with our kids. For most, it's time when they're going through dramatic changes both mentally and physically, some developing faster than others. For a while we struggled to find a solution to the differing personalities because as our kids began developing their own identities, more conflicts between them ensued. At a loss for what to do, we once again constulted the Brooks book. According to Brooks, a sense of identity in early adolescence "depends on exploring a variety of alternatives and making a commitment to values, goals, and behavior." These "pre-teens" are exploring new groups of friends and figuring out where they belong. Brooks states that finding their identity gradually occurs throughout this period. Some adolescents choose traditional values that reflect those of their parents, while others tend to follow their friends and are influenced by outside experiences. Another path some tend to take is referred to "moratorium" which is when a pre-teen explores different identities, but can not firmly decide what or who they identify with. In sextuplets, you often find that the children will compete against each other when they begin to discover their identities. While you might want your children to act similar to keep things more calm in the household, it's best to let them explore and decide for themselves who they are.
Brooks states that some girls need to come from an aggressive atmosphere in order to pursue individuality. Obviously, our home has been nothing but love and care so this statement confused us. We understood what that meant, seeing that girls in a nice, stable home may not feel the need to express individuality because they are already comfortable with the way things are. We did not want this to happen with our girls so we encouraged them to explore different paths and made sure to enroll them in different extracurricular activities. Our boys were already exploring different groups at this age, but we still tried to have some control to help them feel like individuals rather than one of six.
As you read in our first post, each our of sextuplets turned out completely different, but it wasn't always that way. When Jon first noticed that he was achieving high marks in school more quickly than the rest of his siblings, he wanted to do badly on homework assignments to fit in with everyone. But we encouraged him to appreciate his abilities and take pride in who he was. There were also some issues with Karmen because she loved playing outdoors and being the "boss" of the group, delegating who played what. We noticed that she was sort of a tomboy and her sisters really wanted her to be girly like them. But we enjoyed that she was different and got her involved in sports which she absolutely loved! The friends she made really helped her express her individuality from her sisters. All our children struggled at first during this stage, but they all came out of it unique and different!
♥J&K
Sextuplet Identities: Elementary Childhood
According to our favorite parenting book, The Process of Parenting by Jane Brooks, as a child gets older, spending time with them declines from when they were young, but its important not to lose sight of their needs and show interest in what they are doing. We completely agree, especially with sextuplets, because of the time commitment needed when children are young progresses into time that is optional to spend with them. When children hit ages between 5-9, spending every second with them just to make sure they are safe is not as necessary.
There is freedom on both ends to spend time individually, but children still need to know that they are a parents priority and feel that their parents are proud. With our family, we decided to start something called "Mommy-Daddy time" This is when we take at least an hour or two each with of our kids, spending time with them doing whatever they want to do. This enhances their individuality by giving them time without their siblings to do what they really want to do, and know that we support that and are proud of them. It gives them a sense of security knowing that we are doing this activity with only them and allows them to escape any influence that would come from being around their siblings.
Brooks research also indicates that parents need to encourage new skills, new activities and growing interests in friends. This is extremely important with sextuplets in the ages of 5-9 because they are all going to need acceptance and approval from both parents and siblings with friends. Breaking off from a childhood of not really needing anyone else but your five other siblings and parents is a challenge and parents need to be very accepting. Going to elementary school, classes start to change, and so do interests; and the children will make new friends based on these occurrences. Research suggests it is important to encourage your sextuplets to make new friends and assure them that your relationship and their relationship with their siblings wont be tarnished by adding others into the picture.
With our children, Jon was the first one to have a friend come over for a play-date. We made sure to make his friend feel welcome, and encouraged the kids to all get to know him. We also made sure to talk to the rest of the kids about how our family will remain close even with others involved.
Another thing we tried to do with our kids was get them into different activities that were interesting to them, but kept them active. According to PBS, kids are becoming less active and eating more, and at the elementary level, it sets a trend for life. This age is the time to try and change their lifestyle. For us, giving the kids support for their own activities during mommy-daddy time or during their free time helped them stay really active and happy. It was also fun for us, keeping us active with them!
♥J&K
Meet The Family!!!
You probably want to get to know us, right? Alright then!
Jim & Kris met during the summer of 1987, right as Jim was finishing his degree in Architecture. Kris already had a working internship for a local contracting company. Jim landed a summer job in a business that worked closely with Kris's company. We met at a company picnic and were inseparable ever since! We married in 1988 and quickly decided we wanted to start a family. On April 14, 1989 Kris gave birth to sextuplets! Wow were we in shock! The doctors originally told us we were having triplets, so to find out there were 3 more was unbelievable. We weren't sure we were up to the challenge. But when we looked at those tiny faces, we knew it was meant to be. We were going to be the best parents of sextuplets and no one could tell us otherwise. Though things got a little crazy along the way, we stuck together as a family. And we certainly learned a lot!
One of the hardest things to learn was how to raise our children to have different identities. We didn't want to force them to wear matching outfits (except for family pictures!) and we certainly didn't want to treat them all the same. They are each unique individuals with unique personalities, so our main goal was to discover their individual interests and help them be true to themselves.
Meet our fabulous kids!
Our first born is Jonathan (Jon) Robert and he is the "professor" of the family. He's so observant and even as a baby, was always "inventing" things and discovering new ways to play with toys. Although all our children are exceptionally bright, Jon has always pushed himself academically. He is currently studying to become a scientist and hopes to someday work for NASA.
Jacob Taylor is our second born and he is the wild one. By that we mean he's not afraid to entertain a crowd! Jacob has so much charisma and was born with a talent for music. He started his own rock band when he was 13 and is currently traveling along the west coast promoting his demo album. Look out, world, the next American Idol is on his way!
Katharine (Kate) Marie, our third born, is our little mischief maker. As a child, she was very sneaky and liked to hide things. At the same time, she was very cuddly and warm and always knew how to put a smile on your face. To this day, Kate has shown this warmth to everyone around her and was even voted "Most Caring" in high school. But she still knows how to use her sneaky abilities and plans to work as an undercover cop.
Fourth born is Justin Scott and he is what you might call the "hippie" in our house. Free-spirited and care-free, Justin grew up with a love for all living things and built his own tree house as a kid so he could "live with the earth". He was always the one to bring home a hurt animal and would nourish it back to health. Justin recently left college to work for the Peace Corps and started his own campaign against animal & human cruelty.
Our fifth born is Karmen Ashley. She was the tiniest of the bunch at birth and is still the smallest today. But don't let her small size fool you. She is the feistiest person we know and is determined to get what she wants! As a child, she was always the one controlling what games were played and whatnot. Because she was small, she used her voice to give her power over her brothers and sisters. And today, she is still using her big voice training to be a drill sergeant.
Last but certainly not least, Kelly Grace is our sixth born. From birth, Kelly always showed a great desire to help her brothers and sisters. She caught on to things more quickly than the others and therefore helped them if they were struggling. She always wanted to play "mommy". Today, Kelly is working on getting a degree in elementary education, hoping to work with underprivileged kids.
Well that's just a little bit about us! Stay tuned for tips about how we helped our kids develop their own identities and the research we found that helped us!
Love,
Jim & Kris
